Snoring, temperature variations, cover stealers, and tossing and turning often lead to partners sleeping separately. But this is not necessarily a bad thing.
ADVERTISEMENTWe'll call her Susan. She has been with her French boyfriend for eight years and they live together in Switzerland. Both are in their mid-forties and about a year ago, the couple took to sleeping in separate rooms due to his snoring and breathing problems.
"I already had some issues with falling asleep, but this wasn’t really a problem with my partner. Actually, since meeting him, things got a lot better," says Susan.
However, he started snoring more regularly in 2022. "I would wake up about 4 times per night with his snoring. It was disturbing for him too, as I would try to move him to calm the snoring".
In early 2023, the couple decided to start sleeping apart.
"It was a relief to be able to sleep through the night," Susan recalls. Her boyfriend was then diagnosed with sleep apnea and began using a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine.
They tried sleeping together again with the machine on, but the noise was even worse than the snoring.
A year on, although his condition has improved, they learnt from an app that he was still snoring, and Susan developed a "paranoia about having a bad night's sleep".
At first, she would move to the sofa bed during the night, which became a "survival habit". Eventually, they agreed to take turns between the bed and the sofa bed. However, switching between the two each week has become "quite wearing," especially given the high cost of renting a two-bedroom flat in the city.
'Sleep Divorce' around Europe
Susan is not alone in her sleeping situation. Snoring, temperature variations, cover stealers, and tossing and turning often lead to partners sleeping separately. Other issues are also in play, including illness, different work shifts, and partners who go to bed and get up at different times.
French put health and comfort first
In France, there’s a trend and even a passion for the concept of “sleep divorce” to improve sleep quality and personal happiness.
According to Presse Agence, this reflects a societal shift where individual health and comfort come first without sacrificing the relationship.
What was once seen as a sign of marital trouble is now a practical solution for many French couples. The French approach to relationships is to have independence within the couple which fits with the trend of sleeping apart.
INED (Institut national d’études démographiques) data shows that many French couples can be intimate and close while sleeping apart and end up with a better overall relationship.
Scandinavia: Progressive sleep practices
ADVERTISEMENTScandinavian countries are known for being progressive and prioritising well-being and they have a unique approach to sleep in relationships too.
The Sleep Foundation describes the “Scandinavian Sleep Method” where couples use separate duvets and sometimes separate beds so each person can get the best sleep.
This reflects a broader cultural focus on self-care and mental health with sleep being a big part of overall well-being. In Scandinavia, there’s a cultural norm of valuing sleep as a part of health. So prioritising individual sleep needs doesn’t take away from the relationship but rather enhances it by having both partners well-rested and less irritable.
UK: Mixed views on separate beds
ADVERTISEMENTIn the UK, opinions are divided on separate sleeping arrangements.
Many British couples sleep in separate beds due to different sleep patterns, snoring or personal comfort issues, but there is still a stigma attached to it. Historically, separate beds were seen as something only the aristocracy or the Royal Family had, reflecting the traditional view of bed sharing as a symbol of togetherness and unity in a relationship.
Susan explains that her friends are generally understanding about their sleeping arrangements, but her parents struggle with the concept, believing that sleeping together is more important than actually sleeping.
"So now it’s become the elephant in the room," she says.
ADVERTISEMENTBut in the UK, the practical benefits of better sleep are leading more couples to sleep in separate beds to reap the health and wellbeing benefits. According to writer Natasha Poliszczuk, "sleep divorcing" has "gone middle class: it’s available to anyone with enough space."
She says that separate rooms are "becoming standard in the homes and marriages of Middle England."
A recent survey of 2,000 adults in a relationship found one in six couples won’t share a bed, proof that sleep divorce is becoming more acceptable.
Celebs sleeping separately
Many famous people have gone for a "sleep divorce" including Hollywood star Cameron Diaz, who is married to rock star Benji Madden. British royals have a long history of going to their own bedrooms at night, while Kourtney Kardashian has taken it to the extreme with a separate house from her husband Travis Barker.
ADVERTISEMENTNot all of us have separate homes we can go to, however, and according to an American Academy of Sleep Medicine study last year, men will usually hit the sofa or guest room. And, perhaps surprisingly, it’s millennials who do it most, rather than older people.
Should You Try It?
Dr Seema Khosla, a pulmonologist and spokesperson for the academy, says achieving adequate sleep, which is usually seven to eight hours for adults, is important for healthy relationships.
Studies indicate that people who consistently experience poor sleep are more likely to experience conflict with their partners, explains Khosla.
Despite the challenges, Susan says she now argues less with her partner because "we’re not tired all the time" and she enjoys better overall health.
ADVERTISEMENT“It’s really a question of people prioritising their sleep,” Khosla says. “I have had patients who have been married like 60 years and they swear that separate bedrooms is a reason.”
Sleeping separately “is probably more common than we think.” The same goes for sleep apnea, a leading cause of heavy snoring, Khosla says.
The key to making separate sleep spaces work is talking about it beforehand. “It’s not about avoiding intimacy. It’s about recognising that you can have intimacy, you can have that time together, but then you just sleep apart. That’s a really important part of the conversation. Both partners need to understand and agree,” Khosla says.
Susan agrees and advises other couples to seek advice and consider "the wider effect on your relationship first".
ADVERTISEMENT"It’s definitely created distance in the relationship, Organising holidays or van trips, or visiting friends and family, which used to be fun, are now a source of stress due to the sleeping arrangements," she explains.
How to do a Sleep Divorce
If you're tempted to try it, begin by talking about your sleep struggles and how they affect your daily life. If both of you agree, try sleeping apart for a few nights and see if you notice any changes in your sleep and mood. Sleep divorce is not a one size fits all solution and what works for one couple may not work for another.
And don’t forget to maintain intimacy in other areas of your relationship too. Spend time together before bed and during the day. Reassess your sleeping arrangements and be willing to change them as needed.
You can also only do a sleep divorce during the week when life is crazy. Then sleep in the same bed on weekends when you have more time. Or try the Scandinavian method with separate duvets to make sleep easier.
ADVERTISEMENTDr Phyllis Zee, chief of sleep medicine at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine says: “It would be a great idea to discuss sleep compatibility before you get married".
"I tend to see it when couples have been married and/or they’ve been together for some time and have been trying to negotiate this for a while,” she shares.
Come middle age, sleep is less robust, according to Zee.
“In general, you’re more prone to getting things like insomnia or sleep apnea. And so that begins to be bothersome,” she adds.
ADVERTISEMENTWhile there’s no shame in sleeping apart, Zee says technology has helped make sharing a bed easier in some ways. White noise machines, cooling pillows and bedding, mattresses with dual temperature controls and dual control electric blankets can help.
“There’s a whole market out there to mitigate some of these issues,” she explains.
Benefits of sleeping together
On the other hand, there is research to show there are benefits to sleeping together.
A 2022 study found that couples who share a bed get more physical and mental health benefits than those who sleep alone.
ADVERTISEMENTUS researchers led by Dr Michael Grandner at the University of Arizona found that sleeping together reduces the risk of depression, anxiety, stress and fatigue and were more secure in their relationship and happy overall.
Those who rarely slept with a partner or spouse were more likely to have insomnia than those who shared a bed regularly. Those who slept alone had higher depression scores, less social support, and lower life and relationship satisfaction.
The researchers concluded that sleeping with a partner is associated with better sleep and mental health.
